Blind trust and Unshakable Faith

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”- Deuteronomy 31:6

Not knowing about the outcome of your future is terrifying. Being an adult is terrifying. The whole world is terrifying. In an earlier post of mine, “The Prodigal Daughter Returns,” I mentioned that I was going to face one of my biggest obstacles in a few days. Well, I guess I should explain this cryptic message.

At the start of my freshman year in college, I told myself that I would become more devoted in my faith. Church every Sunday, Christian clubs, bible study—all this I planned. Unfortunately, I became the lamb that strayed from the herd; I became immersed in a world of sin and temptations. Partying kept me from being studious, the wrong crowd pulled me further away from God, and eventually, I stopped going to Church. There is no such thing as being too busy for God, for God alone comes first. He should have been the top priority in my life, so how could I throw Him away for worldly objects? My heart is still burdened with the guilt for doing so.

Eventually, my grades started to drop, resulting in me failing two of my classes and receiving poor grades in the other ones. My parents were so disappointed in me. I was a top student in high school, they exclaimed, why did something like this happen? They might not know the reason for my failures, but I did. I was probably more disappointed in myself than my parents, but even more so, I had disappointed God. For the first time in a while, I felt immense fear and uncertainty.

You see, I’m in a 7 year BS/MD program—which means, 3 years of undergrad and then automatic acceptance into medical school, provided that you keep up your GPA and obtain a certain score on your MCAT. I’m in my second year already, but my grades started to drop from my first year. I knew there would be consequences for my actions, which is why winter break was a miserable time for me. I became depressed and stopped eating. Why, you might ask? It was because there is a huge possibility of me being kicked out of this program. I had always wanted to become a physician to help others, but now, I cannot imagine what I would do in my life if this dream of mine vanishes.

As I was wallowing in misery and pain, I had time to reflect on what I had become. If you told me in high school that I would stray so far from Christ, I probably would’ve scoffed. If you told me in high school that I would fail 2 classes and potentially get kicked out of a program, I probably would’ve laughed. How could I get myself into this situation? It is all my fault, and even if I cannot find a remedy to this dilemma, I told myself that I would not question or forsake God. I knew that I needed to renew myself as a Christian, abandon all things worldly and sinful, and just trust in the Heavenly Father because I know that he has a plan for me.

To be one hundred percent honest, I am scared out of my mind. I am terrified of facing a bleak future. I am terrified of losing my dream. I am terrified of disappointing my parents. Tomorrow is the day that I hear the outcome of my situation—whether I stay or leave this program. Any normal human being would be a frantic mess right now (I probably am on the inside), but the only thing that’s keeping me together is the fact that I know that God will never abandon me.

Abandonment, sorrow, struggle, and pain—all these are transitory. These feelings of misery serve only to remind me to depend on the Lord. Wholeness, healing, joy and peace are permanent, for they are part of the very nature of God. That is what sustains a believer through difficult times. When I fail, He will pick me up and give me everything I need to succeed.

God has the final word and I praise Him because He is powerful and sovereign over my life—even through hard times. I can only pray that He strengthens my love and devotion for Him. This time, I will hold onto His hand tightly for I do not ever want to let go.